Sleeping Beauty
by Cheating Death
Summary: Hidan is a temperamental prince who must retrieve a beautiful sleeping princess with the help of his unwanted, incompetent, bumbling assistant, Tobi. Climbing to the highest tower and facing a pocky-loving dragon seem to be a piece of cake when you have an irritating masked moron yapping non-stop behind you throughout the entire ordeal. Swearing, violence, and Hidan's pervertedness


**So here is my first story, which is a one-shot. Supposed to be a comedy/romance but we'll see how it goes. It's kind of stupid but, well, that's what I was going for. Anyway, hope you like it.**

"Hidan, it's about time you find yourself a nice princess and finally settle your violent ass down."

"And why the fuck would I want to do that?"

Kakuzu glared at the young man who was lazily lounging on his huge bed with a bored look on his face. "You're such a stubborn idiot."

Hidan shrugged indifferently. "I don't need some bitch to nag me all fucking day. I have you to do that."

The older man narrowed his strange eyes even further. "You are like the son I never had...the son I _wish_ I never had in the first place! I took your trouble-making ass into my palace when you had no where else to go and this is how you repay me? Do you have _any_ idea just how much _money_ I've spent on you? I thought I would be able to use as a tax deductible."

"I never fucking asked you to take me in," Hidan responded angrily. "And that was over ten fucking years ago!"

Kakuzu growled at his adopted son. "Hidan!"

"Alright, alright!" Hidan sat up on his bed, pissed. "I'll find some stupid bitch to marry, okay? Fucking sucks to be a prince..."

"You're twenty-three! Start acting like it! Now get your ass to the throne room so that we can look at possible future brides for you. I suggest that you pick the richest one...but it's up to you really." With that, the king turned and left Hidan alone in his bedroom while the silver-haired young man complained to himself for another ten minutes.

When he had finally finished venting, and left numerous holes in his wall for that matter, Hidan finally joined Kakuzu in the throne room. He was annoyed to find that someone else was waiting for him as well.

"What the fuck are you doing here, Tobi?" Hidan groaned.

"Kakuzu-Sama has requested Tobi's presence!" Tobi yelled excited through his mask. "Because Tobi is a good boy!"

Kakuzu threw the masked man an annoyed glance. "Tobi is here to help you choose which princess you will end up marrying. He will then escort you to the chosen woman's castle, where you will retrieve her and bring her back here immediately. And you better pay for those holes you left in the wall!"

Hidan crossed his arms with a huff. "I don't need that fucking idiot's help! And you're rich enough to pay for those damages."

"Hidan-Sama is soooo funny!" Tobi ran up to Hidan with a few photographs in his hand. "Now Tobi can start so that Hidan-Sama can have a pretty wife!"

"Get the fuck away from me!" Hidan snatched the pictures out of Tobi's hand, shoving the hyperactive man into a wall. "Now let's see what my fucking options are..."

The first picture had a pretty young woman with her brown hair kept in buns. She had a kunai in her hand and she seemed to be smirking in the photo.

"Ooooh, that's Tenten-Hime!" Tobi peeled himself away from the wall. "She likes to play with sharp objects!"

"Fuck no! I don't need some crazy bitch throwing shit at me. " Hidan discarded the first picture and looked at the second one. "Who's this slut?"

The second photo showed a young woman with long golden hair and blue eyes. She was dressed provocatively in a tight red dress.

"Ino-Hime!" Tobi exclaimed right into Hidan's ear. "The daughter of Inoichi-Sa-"

"Don't fucking yell in my ear, you dickhead!" Hidan slammed Tobi into the wall all over again, then tossed the second picture aside as well. "She looks like she'd sleep with half of the servants in this castle. Including an idiot like you."

"Aaahh, you think I have a chance with her?" Tobi asked excitedly as he stood up again, as if being thrown into walls no longer had an effect on him.

Hidan snorted. "Who knows. Next."

"Sakura-Hime!"

The third photo showed a girl with chin-length pink hair and piercing green eyes. Hidan could already tell that she would not be the one for him based on the fact that her room looked a shrine dedicated to that spoiled little Uchiha prince, Sasuke. Hidan felt no loss as he tossed that photograph to the floor.

"This is fucking stupid," he muttered as he glared at Kakuzu.

"There's one more princess," Kakuzu stated. "And this one, I believe, is the wealthiest."

Hidan rolled his eyes. "Who the fuck cares?" He looked down to scan the final picture.

Standing in the photograph was a young woman with pale lavender eyes and long indigo hair that went all the way to her slim waist. She was dressed in a simple sleeveless blue dress, where the fabric clung to just the right places. Hidan couldn't help but notice how large her breasts were or how she seemed to have a small blush on her shy face. Her porcelain skin was flawless and Hidan could almost imagine just how soft and smooth it was.

"Not bad," he mused as he stared at her delicate features. "Not fucking bad at all..."

"Ooooooh, that's Hinata-Hime!" Tobi said excitedly. "She's really pretty, huh?"

"Heh, she's fucking gorgeous. Has a nice rack, too. I guess I'll take that bitch seeing how I'm not getting out of this bullshit anyway. Show me where her damn castle is." Hidan stuffed her picture into his pocket.

Tobi twiddled his fingers. "Ah, well, here's the thing...she's in a deep slumber that can only be broken by a kiss on the lips! Oh, and her castle is being guarded by a dragon!"

"Wait, what?" Hidan raised an eyebrow. "Why is she in a coma and why is there a fucking dragon guarding the place?"

"Because Hiashi-Sama, her father, angered a powerful sorceress and she cast a spell on the whole castle!" the masked man replied, waving his arms in a strange, almost mystical manner. "The whole kingdom was shipped off to the circus, Princess Hinata was put into a deep sleep, and a tempermental dragon was made to guard the castle!"

"What the fuck did her dad do to piss off some crazy bitch to the point where she would do that?" Hidan asked.

Tobi threw his arms up. "He ate the last piece of pocky at the banquet! And the sorceress really likes pocky!"

"That's enough talking," Kakuzu cut him off. "Both of you get ready to retrieve the princess. Time is money!"

"And I have the perfect outfit for Hidan-Sama to wear so that he can woo his princess!" Tobi exclaimed, ushering the confused and irritated prince into a room.

Hidan growled. "Hey, what the fuck are you doing?"

Before he knew it, Hidan was dressed in a long sleeved purple shirt with incredibly puffy sleeves and a pair of gold tights. He was also wearing some stupid looking shoes that resembled booties.

"TOBI! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?" Hidan stared at himself in the mirror, horrified. "I look like a fucking gay ass fairy!"

"Tobi knew you'd love it! Tobi is a good boy who picks good outfits!" the hyper man exclaimed.

Hidan's eye twitched. "I look like I just came out of some stupid Shakespeare play, for fuck's sake! And these fucking tights are giving me a massive wedgie!" He tugged the fabric out of the crack of his ass, his violet colored eyes sending daggers in Tobi's direction. "Find me another fucking outfit or I'll sacrifice your sorry ass to Lord Jashin!"

"Okay, Tobi has one more outfit! Don't sacrifice Tobi! Tobi is a good-"

"Just shut the fuck up and give me the other outfit!" Hidan roared.

Two minutes later, Hidan was dressed in a much more suitable attire consisting of black pants and a brown shirt with a black overcoat. He also had a brown belt with a weapons pouch at his hip, along with brown boots. A lot better than that weird Shakespeare looking monstrosity that Tobi had originally chosen.

"Oooh, sexy Hidan-Sama!" Tobi held Hidan's surprised face in his hands before getting punched right into the door.

"Touch me again, Tobi, and I swear I will fucking _kill_ you," Hidan hissed with venom in his voice as he put his scythe onto his back.

"Uhhh...Tobi will stop!"

Forty-five minutes later, Hidan and Tobi were standing in front of Hinata's castle. Hidan tied his horse to a nearby tree, while Tobi tied his donkey to a nearby fire hydrant.

"I could've walked here faster," Hidan grumbled. "Why the fuck did I have to take this stupid horse with me in the first place? The fucking thing kept stopping to eat grass!"

"The horse is necessary because the dashing prince must show up on his valiant steed, then proceed to climb to the tallest tower, where he will rescue his gorgeous, awaiting bride and-" Tobi was cut off by Hidan's fist to the back of his head.

Hidan rolled his eyes. "Shut the fuck up so we can get this bitch and get the fuck outta here."

He entered the castle, followed by Tobi, who was nursing the bump on his head. Noticing the staircase for the first time, Hidan nearly shit himself. There seemed to be hundreds of steps that would eventually lead him all the way up to Hinata's tower.

"Oh, hell no!" Hidan's eye twitched. "HELL! FUCKING! NO!"

"Is Hidan-Sama sure?" Tobi tilted his head. "What about Hinata-Hime?"

Hidan pulled Hinata's picture out of his pocket, studied it for a minute, then stuffed it back in. "Fuck it. Let's go."

After what seemed like ages, Hidan finally made it all the way to the very top of the almost never ending staircase. Huffing and puffing, he wiped the sweat off his brow, realizing that Tobi was not behind him.

"Where the fuck is that dumbass?" he muttered to himself.

"Aaah! HidanSamaaa! You finally made it!" Tobi ran over and nearly knocked him down the stairs.

"You fucking moron! How the fuck did you get here before me?" Hidan grabbed him around the throat and slammed him into the wall.

Tobi laughed. "Silly boy! Tobi used the elevator!"

"ELEVATOR!?" The furious prince threw Tobi right down the stairs, watching with amusement as the masked man tumbled comically down the spiraling flight.

"WAAAAAAAH! TOBI FALLING!"

"Serves you right!" With a satisfied smirk, Hidan walked over to a nearby door and turned the knob. He opened the door to find the princess asleep in what looked to be a simple, barren bedroom.

Hinata lay on the bed, her long locks fanned out over the pillow. She was wearing a lavender dress with a rather low-cut bodice, giving Hidan a great view of her cleavage. Her skin looked so soft and delicate that Hidan found himself wanting to bite into her exposed neck. Hinata looked absolutely beautiful to Hidan and the fact that she was asleep and completely vulnerable made him want her even more. The horny prince grinned deviously as he gazed at her.

"It's my fucking lucky day." Hidan threw himself on top of Hinata's petite body, completely covering her.

He kissed her cheeks and jaw, making sure to avoid her lips...for now. He wanted to have some fun first. Holding himself up with one arm, he used his other hand to grab the princess's large breast, groping it madly.

"AAAHHH, Hidan-Sama!" Tobi cried from the doorway. "What are you doing to the princess?"

"What, she's gonna be my wife anyway," Hidan snapped as he continued to fondle her chest. "She's hot and I want to fuck her before I take her back home with me."

"But the dragon will be here sooooon!" Tobi ran around frantically. "Hidan-Samaaa needs to kiss her and get out of here!"

With a sigh, Hidan rolled his eyes. "Alright, alright. Just shut the fuck up and calm down." He got off of Hinata and sat on the edge of her bed before leaning down to kiss her soft pink lips.

Seconds later, he heard a quiet moan and saw as Hinata's eyes slowly fluttered open. Her eyes were what captivated him the most. They were so strange, yet so alluring at the same time.

"Rise and shine, Hime." Hidan smirked as he brushed Hinata's cheek lightly. "Time to wake the fuck up already."

Hinata turned a deep shade of red. "Wh-who are y-y-you?"

"Who the fuck do you think I am? I'm the one who came all the way to this fucking tower just to bring you back to my castle. And probably screw, too, while we're at it," he whispered into her ear, his warm breath against her skin. "I would love to see what you're hiding under that dress..."

Hinata felt her heart race before promptly passing out all over again. Bewildered, Hidan lifted the girl's head up.

"Tobi! What's wrong with her? She sick or something?" he asked.

"Hidan-Sama made Hinata-Hime faint!" The masked man laughed. "Right after waking her up!"

With a growl, Hidan gathered Hinata into his arms and cradled her against his chest. "Shut the fuck up already and let's go. And show me where that damn elevator is! I should murder you for not telling me about it in the first place."

"Hehehe, right this way," Tobi laughed nervously, leading the irritated man to where the elevator was.

Halfway down, Hinata slowly woke up to find herself in Hidan's arms. "Umm... What happened?"

"You passed out on me right as I woke you up," the silver-haired man told her with a smirk on his face. "I didn't know that my good looks would cause you to faint."

"I-I'm sorry. I, um..." Hinata blushed and looked away from him, finding the man to be very attractive.

"No worries, Hime. We'll have plenty of time to work on that." Hidan set her down, then pulled the scythe off his back. "Now where the fuck is this dragon? I want to kill the damn thing as soon as possible. I've never sacrificed a fucking dragon before and I'm not about to pass this up."

An ear-shattering roar shook the elevator just as they reached the bottom, answering Hidan's question.

"Be careful," Hinata warned. "The dragon is actually the sorceress in a different form."

Hidan quirked an eyebrow. "If you've been asleep, how do you know that?"

"Because she turned into a dragon during Father's banquet right after he ate the last piece of pocky," she replied. "Apparently she has a strange obsession with pocky."

"Tobi likes pocky, too!" Tobi piped up excitedly.

"Eh, shut up," Hidan and Hinata mumbled in unision.

The silver-haired man smirked. He had a feeling that he and the princess would be getting along just fine.

The elevator doors opened, snapping Hidan back to reality. The large purple dragon was waiting for the trio, the table of the dining hall overturned and half destroyed. Pocky crumbs could be seen littering the floor, as well as the remains of the damaged chairs that had surrounded the table.

"Be careful, Hidan-Samaaaa!" Tobi yelled a little too loudly in Hidan's ear.

"SHUT UP, TOBI!" He hurled the masked man up into the air, where Tobi proceeded to grab onto the hanging chandelier.

"Ooooh, Tobi can see everything from- Ahhhhhh!" The chandelier fell from the ceiling, knocking the dragon in the head as it plummeted down along with Tobi.

Pissed off, the dragon used two of her claws to grab Tobi by the ankle, hanging him upside down over her open mouth. Needless to say, Tobi was kicking and screaming like a madman. However, before he could be the dragon's next meal, Hidan lunged forward and buried the blades of his scythe deep into the dragon's chest. With a pained roar, the dragon dropped Tobi onto the floor.

"Oww...Tobi hurt..." he mumbled as Hinata dragged him away by the back of his shirt.

Not even thirty seconds later, Hidan had already started his ritual. While Hinata watched in fascination, Hidan proceeded to stab himself in the chest with a metal spike, moaning in ecstasy as the point pierced into his heart. With a pained roar, the dragon promptly transformed into a rather unattractive woman in a puffy green dress. The woman fell over, dead from Hidan's ritual.

"Lord Jashin should be pretty fucking happy with me." Hidan pulled the bloody spike out of his chest. "I sacrificed a sorceress who was posing as a fucking dragon. That should be some type of bonus."

"That was amazing," Hinata murmured, walking over to him. "How are you not dead? And what kind of ritual was that?"

Hidan smirked, then bent down to whisper into her ear. "I could tell you...but I think I would rather _show_ you. Now why don't we get out of this shithole. I want to show my cute little bitch everything she needs to know about human sacrifices."

With that, he picked her up bridal style and carried her out of the castle, with Tobi tailing behind them yapping excitedly to anyone who might be interested in what he had to say. Unfortunately for him, no one cared to listen.

Hidan lifted Hinata up onto his horse, untied the damn animal from the tree, then climbed on in front of the princess. He threw an annoyed glance in Tobi's direction as the masked man tried to free his donkey from the fire hydrant he had tied it to earlier.

"Tobi, hurry the fuck up or we're leaving without you," Hidan snapped as Hinata wrapped her arms around his waist.

"Coming, Hidan-Samaaaa! Just one more knot!" Tobi loosened the knot, then made the mistake of smacking the donkey out of excitement. "Tobi did it!"

Startled, the donkey took off after Hidan's horse, the rope still tied to its saddle. The other end of the rope wrapped around Tobi's ankle, who was then dragged by the panicked animal.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! Tobi stuuuuuuuck! Heeeellllp!" Tobi called out as he was pulled behind the donkey.

Hidan laughed spitefully. "That's what you get, dumbass!"

With that, he rode off into the horizon with his beautiful new bride as Tobi was dragged behind them in a comical fashion. The ride home for Hidan was much more relaxing. That is, until he realized that he had left his scythe back at Hinata's castle, buried in the dead sorceress's stomach.

"FUCK!"

The end.

**And that concludes our little fairy tale crack. Hinata's got a hot new (violent) husband, Tobi is getting the short end of the stick as always, and Hidan left his favorite accessory in some dead lady/dragon. Please review. Or not. Either or.**


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